Saturday, October 17, 2009

I wanna make some noise.

It's been a long time since I've sat in front of a blank computer screen and wondered what thoughts I should type out. It's remarkable to me that a few years ago I felt compelled every morning to sit here and share my day or struggles or random thoughts. I saw this morning that one of the children of the blogs was now almost two years old and it shocked me when I had the thought, I remember when she was born! That is a a sign of these computer driven times I think. I think it's strange that I have "friends" all over the country whom I have never met but with who I can celebrate milestones such as births and first days of schools and home purchases.

I have had times when I've fought with my web friends and it's ruined my day, times when a baby is born and I've rejoiced and days when all is silent and I've lamented that I felt cut off from this web of friends that has amassed on the right hand side of my blog. And now this group of ladies has grown apart. It wasn't an event that made this happen or a decision that had been reached just the gradual ebb and flow of life that exists and suddenly what had been the bedrock of my days is no longer and what was once a buzzing interpersonal internet connection is silent.

The sad part of this post is that, not only have my web friend connections been fractured but my "local" friendships seem to have fallen silent too. This is hard. I feel cut off from the source of life that had once been so important to me. Again, there was no event, no fight, no decision that has created this silence. Just a series of life events that have combined to create this hole.

The thing about life is that it never stands still...never stays the same. I know that is not a deep or original thought however, it is a pressing truth that can be a lifesaver or a disappointment. There have definitely been times in my life where I've chanted the mantra, "It will not always be this way. It won't stay this way forever." That chorus has sustained me through many doctor appointments, fights, check book balancing marathons, childbirth even.

However, when this truth of life disassembles relationships and good times... well... I've said good bye to many friends, watched my babies grow into awkward prepubescents, bid farewell to sister-friends as they march off to work and even watched helplessly as relationships that are important fall away and become anemic shadows of what they once were.

And, I wonder Why does it feel like this, how did this happen, when did we stop? Even though this is a pattern that is inevitable, even though this is a truth of still catches me by surprise... it utterly shocks me to be honest.

Again, I come back to things will not stay the same for long... They won't. But it's sad to say good-bye. I guess that's why there are so many songs, movies, TV shows and books about the "glory days." We all have some common experience to long for simpler times, happier times, fuller times than what is right now.

I wonder, do we know we are living the glory days when we are in them...or do they only look glorious once they are gone. Once we photoshop our memories and airbrush our disagreements?

One thing I do know is that it is "quiet" at home right now. Seriously, it's not quiet in my house right now...I only wish... but it is quiet in my heart. And I'm not sure I like it. I know I don't like it. But, I'm not sure how to change I try to resurrect what once was? I'm pretty convinced that doesn't work... So then what? I guess that is the proverbial question... What's next? I'm not willing to leave all those relationships behind but the problem is that lately I haven't been willing to be engaged in those relationships unless they looked exactly like they once did...and I guess that's my sticking point. In order to move forward, we have to change, we have to move, we have to adapt. And until we do...well...I guess there's just more quiet to look forward to?

I wanna make some noise...I just have to figure out how?