Tuesday, June 27, 2006


"What are your goals?" It seemed like a harmless question. One I would have been able to answer 12 years ago at any job interview. My goals were to graduate, to get married, to get a job, find an apartment, keep the car running, pay the bills and have fun.

As I've gotten older my goals have gotten fuzzier. They seem to have blended into my family; so that my goals are no longer mine but my goals for my husband and family. My wishes have faded away into the background somewhere.

I know this is so typical of a stay at home mom, but I hate being typical! I've been asking myself, "what do you want...what do you really want?" Unfortunately, a lot of the answers to this question seem to focus on material things. I don't like that about myself either. I know that material things don't bring happiness, I know this first hand. Yet, I still think "I really want a couch or new porch furniture, a new car and so on. When I examine these answers I really think they are cop outs. It easier to come up with material things than to examine myself and reach deeper.

I find it easier to write goals for my husband, children and friends than to write them for myself? Why? Don't I know myself better than anyone else? Am I brave enough to look deeper and define my personal goals?? Am I brave enough to act on them?

Do you know what I mean?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Let's repeat after me, "Not a Toy!"

It is a simple sentence that is repeated over and over and over again in my house. I think I could say it in my sleep. I think I do say it in my sleep! By dinner time I am so tired of saying it that I wish very badly we could take out the batteries and put him on a shelf somewhere simply for peace of mind.

Now, I know that eventually he will learn that lip gloss is not a toy, that scissors are not a toy, that potatoes are not a toy, that DVDs although shinny...still not a toy. I know he will learn that although toothpaste tastes good and shows up really well when smeared on the walls is, not a toy. He will learn water spills when it is dumped upside down, that salt is not meant to be poured all over the floor, that the button on the computer turns it off even when mom is in the middle of blogging, and that although tampons fly really far when you throw them all these things are "Not A Toy!"

Until then, I am exhaused. I know this time is suppose to fly by and that soon he will be asking for my keys, for my car that will again be "Not a Toy."

But until then, I count the minutes from 5:00 until bedtime and pray no sounds will be heard until at least 7:00am.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to Me! I'm one week old today! I'm so proud and want to thank all of my blogging girlfriends who helped me along. Some of you I didn't even know before last Monday and now I feel like were old friends. It's been great to meet ya and I look forward to getting to know ya better. To my old, well, I don't mean old, well, yes I do, well, you know what I mean, this is a blast and I'm so glad you've all joined the insanity with me! What else is there to do at 5:30am?

Saturday, June 17, 2006

3 Things You Want More Of

Ok, so you know that we are taking a marriage enrichment class at church. The teacher asked us to make a list of 3 things we want more of from our spouse. Doug, being who he is, set up a time last night for us to do our homework and discuss our lists.

I pondered this question all day yesterday. "What 3 things do I want more of from him?" It really was quite hard for me to do, and it made me really examine our relationship. I was most afraid of what he was going to come up with to be totally honest.

We had our talk last night, with no TV, no kids, no internet, no books, no distractions. Just us, a pizza, two buck chuck and a box of Kleenex. (The box of Kleenex made him nervous...)

It was great to have so much face time with him...this hardly ever happens. We get so busy with kids and house work, yard work, bills, TV, the phone, church and everything else that fills our time. It was strangly unnerving to sit in silence with him and just talk. It reminded me of the walks we used to take around TCC's neighborhood when we were dateing.

I'm not going to spill any details...just encourage all of you to try and find some silence with your spouse. I feel like I can see him...again

Friday, June 16, 2006

My life with Wesley

Wesley is my youngest child. My third boy. My 20 month old. My joy. My pain. My love. He speaks Chinese. He loves to laugh. And he is always dirty!

The difference between expectation and reality is misery

So we were at the "marriage enrichment" course I talked Doug into going to last night and the teacher says..."The difference between expectation and reality is misery." What a thought! We need to figure out how far away what are expectations are from what reality really is...Because the higher our expectations...The more our misery when reality doesn't live up to them.

sit and think about that for awhile...

For example...When speaking to neighbor about his daughter getting her feelings hurt by my daughter...I expect him to speak to me with respect and courtesy...In reality he barks at me about my poor parenting skills and what he sees as my daughter's self-centered behavior(she's only 6) and then leaves me to feel the misery of the exchange that just took place.

This is such a mind blowing concept for me...Change the situation and the players for your own experiences and you will see what I mean.

For example...When speaking to my neighbor about his daughter getting her feelings hurt by my daughter...I should expect that he can not hold an adult conversation because of his overwhelming lack of social skills...In reality he barks at me about his spoiled daughter getting her feelings hurt by my 6 year old...Still a little misery at being talked to like that but the reality is so much closer to my expectation that I should simply be able to walk away thinking "Jerk!"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Mountain

Have you ever walked around your house and really looked at the floor and shake your head because you can't believe what you find? Personal confession, "I am not the world's best housekeeper. Actually, I hate housework and I only clean when my mom or friends come over for dinner. I'm the neighbor who greets you at the door and then steps outside and closes the door because I don't want you to get a glimpse of what's inside. I have always wanted to be the woman who sees you at the door and grandly invites you in for a cup of coffee and something sweet that I happen to have in the freezer, but I'm not. So anyway...I'm walking around the house and look down at the corner of my entry way closest to the door and there is a perennial mountain of shoes that collect there. The funny thing is that not one of those shoes has a match...not 1! The question I hate almost as much as "What's for dinner?" is "Where's my shoes?" Often we can't answer this question...or the other one...and my children are seen running through the neighborhood without shoes. It's become a little joke in my neighborhood. I've tried to correct this...but no one is willing to comply. It really is not that big of a problem in the summer...but in January here in Chicago, then it's another story. So...for now I will show you the pile so you know I'm not lying. And then go hunt for the other shoes...maybe I'll start at the neighbor's house. I can't get the picture to upload...you'll just have to trust me.

Monday, June 12, 2006


So I'm sitting here at my computer trying to figure out this blogging thing while I IM with a college student about the torture of cramming for an exam. And I think to myself "Wow! Am I old!" When did this happen? I still feel like a college student and yet my son is almost as tall as I am! How in the world? I wonder if my 80 something grandma still feels the same way. I bet she does, I mean you look down at yourself and know that things aren't where they used to be and it's harder to get out of bed or say walk across a room but still in general you still feel like the same person. This is the mystery of age to me...I remember telling my dad things like "Remeber your not as young as you used to be!" But now I realize that was an active thought process he had to go through because you don't just instinctively know that your body has not kept up with your mind. Even when your mind goes you don't see it going...you just figure all the others around you are losing it! That's just my Monday thought...off to the grocery!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Trying to move into this era

I am trying to join the blog revolution...but haven't figured it out yet. Oh I think I did it! Here is our latest family photo. In reality it is our first family photo since Jed or Wesley has been born. I hate getting family pics taken probably because I was scarred as a child, however I'm glad we did this because each time I look at the pictures I want to cry. How is it that we are so blessed?