This coming Tuesday I've been asked to talk to a Coffee Break group at their annual Lenten Breakfast. They didn't give me any topic, just a date and a time and a request that we also have a time of worship. I was honored and challenged...and I haven't slept much past 5:30am for the last 2 weeks trying to prepare. It seems the only time I can study, write or meditate is before the sun comes up and the noises of the day start. As soon as one of my cherubs walks down the stairs my concentration is gone and it's all over. Why is that?
This is not the first time I've spoken to a large group of women, thanks to my friend Jen, who allowed me to come and talk about how to have great sex at her MOPS group. But this is the first time I've been allowed to bring a "message." And the more I search myself, the more I realize that I've longed to be a minister for most of my life. That idea actually cost me a boyfriend back in college...when I mentioned the idea at his parent's dinner table I thought his dad was gonna need a the Heimlich maneuver...it was entertaining!
This morning after I had typed the last word of my talk I had an overwhelming fear of being trite or uninspiring. All of my insecurities flooded over me with the kind of emotional weight you can actually feel. And even though I'm convinced that God has brought me to this place of honor and fulfilling purpose...the fear of being completely not up to the task rages inside of me. It's as if I'm afraid to accept the gift I'm being offered...the gift of purpose...what if I'm wrong? What if I fail?
Do I have the faith to trust God...to really believe he loves me enough to create me with specific talents, insights and has a design for my life. Sometimes it seems easier to do things that I'm not personally invested in because I have nothing to lose.
I covet your prayers tonight. I'm in the middle of a search for God's purpose for my life. In the middle of a search for the next step. Searching for the courage to listen and obey. But then that's a whole different post.