13 is such a strange number

13 years ago at 5:40pm Doug and I were at a post wedding party at my parent's house.(You know the party with the alcohol) I was in upstairs in my girlhood room packing to move into my new apartment with my new husband...trying very hard to hold back the huge wave of emotions I was feeling. The tears were so close to falling that my eyes stung. And the conversation I was having with myself went something like, "This is your wedding day, you should be blissfully happy, you are so in love with Doug, what is your problem?" I couldn't explain it even to myself but I was so scared of this unknown new life I was about to embark on...leaving the safety of my parents house was almost paralyzing...it wasn't that I was having second thoughts about my love for Doug but I was questioning if I could truly do life w/o the support of my parents. I was terrified.

As we were leaving the house, someone took a picture of the two of us walking out the door. I look at that picture now and wonder if I am the only one who sees how hard I was working at keeping myself together. When we got into the little gray Escort Doug owned and pulled out of the drive, my wall of composure broke open and I cried all the way from Oak Forest to Chicago Ridge where our first apartment was.

I had to continually assure Doug that it was NOT him but that rather it was me...I needed to release all these emotions..it was the type of cry you just can't stop and the harder you try to stop the worse it gets. Not exactly the way we dreamed of starting our lives together...it wasn't the movie moment where the groom carries an estatic bride over the thresh hold of their new home. I often wonder what Doug was thinking for that long ride "home."

13 years later I look at that picture and wonder at how young I was...how much of life I thought I had lived...and how much my life was really just beginning. I am still head over heals "in love" with my husband...but the love we share is deeper, stronger, more experienced, more familar...

Marriage is hard...we have had our ups and downs just like any other couple. We've been dead broke and then deader broke, we've faced the loss of a baby through miscarrage, made it through medical school and residency when he was working 100 hours a week, moved away from "home" to create our very own "home", worked through countless trips to the mechanic to fix crappy cars(that is very stressful!), had our first, second, third and fourth child, suffered through depression together, sleepless nights, croupe, flu, stitches, heart problems, lonely times of indifference toward eachother and long nights of silence after heated arguments.

But I've never wanted to walk away, I've never entertained what life would be life without Doug because I can't even comprehend who I am without him. Some might say that isn't healthy...I think it's downright wonderful! We are a team, we function as a unit, we live and dream as one...

As one...

As I packed my stuff getting ready to start my new life with my new husband I had no idea that my new "home" would be the most secure, most loving, most cherished "home" I would ever know.