If this makes no sense...just move on.
"My willingness to Endure."
It's the quality I think I like the most about myself, feel the most noble about--my willingness to Endure. And yet, I think it has become something other than noble, perhaps even something destructive.
There is little joy in my life when I'm living like this. There isn't much room for joy in Endure. I think there is a lot of unbelief behind Endure, like my conviction that no one else is going to come through, so I have to. It also feels like Samson's downfall--we find a quality or a strength that helps us get through life, and we make it our idol, put all our trust and hope in it. It's different for everybody, for some it's intelligence, or making people happy, for me it's Endure. But once we make this strength or quality our idol and turn to it for security, it becomes our blind spot--the thing we don't want anyone to look at or tamper with. Not even God...eventually, it becomes our ruin." Walking with God, John Eldredge
I didn't write that but I could have--I should have. Lately these thoughts have been lurking around my sub conscience, when I'm not too busy to think--that's probably why I like busy, and why I hate it.
Too many times I've asked and do ask loudly and boldly of others, "Why do I stay?"
I've boldly announced and preached that I'VE NOT BEEN "UNCALLED!" --my famous speech to the masses that will listen willingly and unwillingly. But now, I ask, have I ever asked God? Have I really searched and asked and fought with my "calling" lately? Or, do I wear the "called" sign on my chest so proudly that I don't even wonder if I still am? Would I be willing to even consider being "uncalled?"
Or, am I so hung up on my willingness to Endure, so defined by it, that I have been worshiping that instead of God? Ouch!
In truth, all my security and identity is wrapped into ENDURE NEW LIFE! but doesn't that just sound ridiculous?
I've been learning this for awhile now. This summer when RT Kendall said something like, "what was once righteousness can become sin" my heart ached because I knew there was truth in his statement.
Forgiveness was the first step--but not the last.
I still don't know if I CAN leave but my heart sure needs to have a holiness make over. I have been like the Pharisees in Matt 6, with my face somber and my clothes torn, parading my anger and self-righteousness for all to see and hear. It's disgusting...I wish I would just shut up!
A humble spirit, a contrite heart... a quiet mouth and a life of prayer.
You've taught me this lesson before-I heard you for awhile, I obeyed for awhile...then I chose to forget. I chose to indulge in anger and self-gratification. To be the martyr and to expose myself to others in the most indecent way--Forgive me Lord Jesus for placing myself on your throne.
A Holiness Make Over...what is that?