Friday, August 11, 2006

The End of Summer

I've been thinking alot about how this summer is ending and school will be starting soon. It puzzles me and frightens me how fast the years are flying. I know this sounds so cliche' and am reminded that 'there is nothing new under the sun' but this is really hitting home in my heart right now. My position, my career, my status as "mommy" is slowly being replaced with "mom" and soon to be replaced with "my mother" and what does that mean for me? Sometimes I hold my little Wesley and feel his soft cheeks and smell his wonderful baby smell and tell myself to 'remember this.'

My oldest is 9 and getting to be almost as tall as I am. He is clever and funny and smart and it is a joy to get to know him as an individual. I love seeing him discover things that interest him and things that he feels passionate about and watching him navagate his way through this world. But I feel sad knowing that my role as "mommy" is in it's final hours with this boy.

And then I ask myself, sometimes with joy and sometimes with sadness, who am I? Who will I be when this daily grind is over and I don't have to pour milk, cut meat and change diapers? If I think about it too long I feel very alone. I can find myself day dreaming about what life will be like when the kids are bigger...I can sing the praises of what life will be like when I can finally go to the bathroom alone or the grocery store or anywhere...but what will it be like? What will it be like when there are no more giggles, no more baby tears, no more one piece blanket sleepers? I get this way every time summer roles into fall...

11 comments:

Jen said...

OK, I'm going to go get pregnant now so I don't have to face it.

Missy said...

LOL~ Love Jen's comment :)
My oldest is 15, I wept big crocodile tears the other day and about what? Just simply I miss my baby girl. She's signed up for driver's ed, 3 years left of high school, that will fly by. I know what you mean, every year I look less and less forward to fall. But hey the good news is I did get pregnant again. My oldest may be 15 but my youngest is just turned 4! By the time he's grown I may just be grandma.... oh nevermind that was depressing!

Aimee said...

I'm crying just reading this. As much as I want the kids to be able to tie their own shoes, and buckle their own seat belts, I can't help but get sad about the fact that they are going to grow up. I just said that to someone tonight ~ I don't want to rush it, but I want it to be easier ~ but do I?

Kary said...

It will be bliss, woman. Snap out of it.

JD said...

I'm soooo glad Kary said what she did - I was thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say it;)

Mommy Brain said...

Just wait my little ones...

Carol said...

It really is a new found freedom! I have a 12 year old now and he can watch the other two boys while I go grocery shopping or Dave and I go out for dinner or I have a dentist appointment or whatever. I love it! Should I feel guilty about loving it and not wanting to go back to the little baby mode? (my little secret: sometimes I feel selfish that I love this freedom -- that I should not love it like I do -- but it makes me feel better that my boys get along real well and would rather stay home than come with me) Unfortunately, the summer going by thing does not get any slower. The last day of school seemed like just yesterday; I thought I was going to get "sooooo much done" last year when my boys were in school all day (ha!); where did all the time go; where have all the flowers gone?

Carol said...

One of my favorite poems:

"Nothing Gold Can Stay"

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-- Robert Frost

Jen said...

Hey! That's from "The Outsiders"

"Stay gold, Pony Boy. . ."

one hot momma said...

come on all of you!!! Get real!!! This perimenopauasal(sp?) hot momma can't take all of this boohooing...I'm balling my head off right now! I've been trying to avoid this since school got out in June. I seem to remember posting something about the kids getting on the bus and how I would be missing them when school started and a certain someone told me to buck up and get real!!! Now that certain someone is starting to get what I was/am feeling! I too hate the thought of my kids not needing me, but them being more independent this summer has spoiled me, and Carol, I too am loving it! I still will miss them when they're not just "around" all day, and for the long term, I just still don't want to face that, so I won't!

Melissa :) said...

I feel the same way. My oldest (lol) is 5 & my youngest is 1 1/2. I can't have babies, so I adopt mine. We are going to adopt just one more. Then I will need counseling because the thought of them growing up makes me want to vomit, or....I will be able to talk my husband into fostering/adopt. Or...maybe I'll enjoy my freedom & start traveling & seeing the world!?!?