Wednesday, August 30, 2006

WARNING: Middle of the night nonsense ramblings...please forgive all spelling, grammar and crazy thoughts, it's just me trying to process the junk

I was talking to my brother yesterday about some of the things that have been weighing heavy on my heart. HEAVY...wake me up at night...throat tight...chest tight...heavy. The stuff that fills my prayer life and my thought life...and even invades my mind at 3:ooam. As I'm typing this I'm hearing the children's rhyme "Can't get over it, can't get under it, gotta go through it."

It turns out my little brother has grown into an amazing listener and counselor. He probably has always been these things and I am just catching on. He said something to me that really stopped me in my tracks and truthfully has my mind spinnng. He said that life is not made up of points in time but rather it's linear. It's not that an event will happen and something will "finally" be...but rather that an event will happen and then the sun will come up the next day and the next and the next. Life will continue to go on and we will continue to be players in the game. The game may get redefined by an event but as we all know, "the game will go on." Then his next question is the real tough one, "What will my life look like as the game continues after the "big event?"

I know this is very cryptic but I really don't want to go into personal details because I think there is something we all can learn from this concept w/o my details. His example was of when someone dies and you go through the wake and have the funeral and then the lunch is cleaned up and the mourners go home, the family goes to bed and the sun comes up the next morning as if nothing happened. But for the family, the game has been redefined, they must now "do" life in a different way. For me, he said, I'm focused on one event, one "finally" event, but that I need to see beyond that to dare to look at what life will be like after the sun goes down and then comes back up again. To play the movie of what, where, when and how things are going to look like and then get okay with all the scenarios.

I large part of my spirit and my thinking and my feelings just want "it" over with...done, finished. And I guess what he was saying is that life goes on and I need to see that. Having an "end game" really doesn't mean end game it really means transition strategy to someplace else, some place that's not here waking up at 3am.

I know these are the middle of the night nonsense ramblings of Mommy Brain...but if I don't get them out I will never get to sleep.


JD said...

Geez, have you been lurking in my brain? I don't know what your issue is but I feel like I'm feeling the same way. Terrified. Nervous. Frightened about the future and what it is going to be like and wondering what I can do to control, I mean fix it now. I'm not waking up in the middle of the night, but these things are constantly running through my head - all day. Sometimes I want to sit down and pour my heart out on my blog for the entire world to read so people can know exactly what I'm terrified of, but mostly I want to keep it to myself because no one will understand... I feel like your post really hit me where I needed it - rambling or not.

I just started reading this book and the first two chapters have been mind-blowing to me. Just a few sentences for you to peek your interest:

"The underlying premise of this book: the splendor of a human heart which trusts that it is loved gives God more pleasure than Westminster Cathedral, the Sistine Chapel..." etc. etc.

"Trust is our gift back to God, and he finds it so enchanting that Jesus died for love of it."
(both on page 2)

I'm beginning to see that my definition of trust has been skewed a bit and I need to learn a lot about it. I'll be praying for you that God will help you in whatever situation you're dealing with and that you will trust in him.

Mommy Brain said...

Thanks for you encouragement and understanding. I will be praying for you too.

Amanda said...

Christine, I will be praying for God to give you a real sense of peace in your heart. I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed with things. It sounds like Doug gave you some great advice (He is the little brother you were talking about, right? I remember him being a good listener/friend in high school...of course you didn't see it then...he was your little brother!!!) :) Big hug to you!

Carol said...

Weird but very good illustration of the things pulling on your mind and piercing your heart! I am so there with you my dear friend! I want so badly to take this from you, so you do not have to feel this anxst/pain/nervousness. I know I can't for you, but I will be right beside you (literally and prayerfully!) Awesome song - Ginny Owens - "If You want me to". Clickhere Kind of a scary commitment! Will ya?