My fingers ache

Have you ever had anyone ask you what your biggest regret was? Mine?? I never learned to play an instrument...well. I lugged a French horn around for a couple of years and besides a backache and having the opportunity to hit many small children in the head as I walked to the back of the bus with the monstrosity it became when placed in the carrying case, that was the end of that experience. My mom, bless her heart, saved her tips for a year to buy me a piano when I was 15(when I look back on that now I see what a sacrifice she made, but at the time I was too dumb and too egocentric to notice). I took a total of 3 lessons (they were interspersed with my voice lessons) and then gave up because it was no fun to play scales and I didn't like to practice. Voice came easier, mom didn't want to fight. That was the end of that…mom sold the piano to buy my wedding gown.

So after Emily was born, Doug bought me a guitar. I had such high hopes that I would be able to teach myself how to play...everybody else seems to do it. The problem back then was I had a baby who never slept and constantly cried. When she finally grew out of that stage I was pregnant again...it's really hard to play guitar with a swollen abdomen. And then I got pregnant again...and that brings me to today in a really fast track sort of way.

I've learned that I love to write songs and that some of them are really pretty good...they make people cry… and that is the hallmark of a “good” song in my book. The problem is that even though I hear the music in my head, I've never learned how to play an instrument well enough to get it out of my head so others can hear it. AND I want to be part of the band now. They look like they have so much fun...they are cool, they are confident and it looks like a blast. So, it's back to the guitar and the keyboard for me.

Lately, I've been practicing guitar. I have been trying to practice for 20-30 minutes a day...sounds easy enough…but it’s like exercise…get my drift? Guitar is one of those instruments that just looks easy when other people play it...it really is not. My fingers ache so bad right now that it is painful to type this...the calluses on the fingers on my left hand make it difficult to untie knots, take out my earrings and pick up really small things like paperclips. And I think playing the guitar must be like driving a stick shift car...once you get the feel you're good to go but you have to find the magic, until then you just struggle.

So I'm struggling with the hope of finding the magic, being in the band, getting the music out of my head and into people's hearts. I guess ultimately I feel that if I got really good at 1 instrument it would make me a legitimate musician and I really want that too.

That's what I want the most.

I still hate to practice!